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My shoes always come untied, so I used my ear buds and they tied themselves in the most complex knot without even touching them! 
If you're O.C.D and you know it wash your hands
I just don't get life insurance. Why would I want to give my family a financial incentive to kill me?
My gf thinks I cook our meals cause I love her. Really, it's cause I'm afraid she might try to poison me.
"Don't worry, I will solve everything" - alcohol
I just smoked the fattest blunt.. And now my refrigerator is nervous!
My neighbour just confronted me about missing items from her washing line. I almost sh*t her pants
I wanna be the reason you hire a private investigator.
Reasons why Game of Thrones is better than Breaking Bad: 1) Titties. 2) Dragons. 3) Bro do you seriously need any more?
I lost one of mom's Tupperware at work and now I'm looking for a new family to adopt me.
The diamond ring on your finger says "married" but the reveling clothes you are wearing says "still looking."
As long as I work with somebody named Mike, Wednesdays will never be boring.
I look like the drummer from Def Leppard when I take myself to pound town.
"I now pronounce you, "husband and what the hell did I just do..."
Why was Tigger looking into the toilet. He was looking for Pooh
Your single but not looking... Oh your one of those chronic masturbators
Sure, you can sit next me. The other 123 empty chairs in this movie theatre probably suck anyways
If the way you talk to someone isn't the same as the way you talk about them, perhaps you should do neither
The ONLY thing I miss about being a teenager is being able to legally punch other teenagers.
I don't have instagram, so I thought you guys should know I had Starbucks this morning. The cup was super cool looking. I also saw a rainbow 