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Not every idiot can read........But look at you go! 
Bring Your Kids To Work Day" is most disappointing for the children of teachers..!
Some girl on Facebook just posted “so happy, nothing can bring me down” Who has the heart to tell her about gravity?
Online classes are just a way to get people to go to class without wearing pants.
I must assume that if you are waiting for a politician to make a change in your life you enjoy the finer things like waiting for customer service on the phone, waiting for the doctor at his office, or standing in lines at airport security.
No, I didn't accidentally pocket dial you, I wanted you to hear me eat lunch.
Just once I'd like the world's oldest person headline to end with "fends off bear."
Man this is a tough supermarket. Sign above the register says "12 items or else".
Every so often I'll listen to my mom talk non stop for like 5yrs at a time to remind myself why people wander into traffic without looking.
Somebody should tell fat girls that multiple ear piercings won't make them look skinny.
You don't have to like me but at least base it on your own opinion, not someone else's.
If you are offended by the opinions I express you can only imagine the ones I keep to myself.
When I was a kid, I was told "If you can't say something nice, don't say anything at all." For the first seven years of my life everyone thought I was a deaf-mute.
Want to make friends at a new job? When going to the bathroom, choose the urinal next to someone and strike up a conversation. Be sure to compliment their stance and form.
On arrrr Talk Like a Pirate Day, ye should take a moment to remember being in Davy's grip during the big rat scurvy epidemic.
Go to a fancy restaurant. Order the lobster. Order it alive. When it comes, order food for your new pet lobster. Then take lobster home.
Tony Abbott as self appointed Minister for Women's Affairs? “I felt a great disturbance in the Force; as if millions of voices suddenly cried out in terror and were suddenly silenced”.
Before Walmart you had to buy a ticket to the fair to see a bearded lady!
Instead of LOL, try SALTS ( smiled a little, then stopped)
I like candlelit dinners, long walks on the beach and hardcore ppornographyy. 