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Recent studies suggest that people are more cynical these day than ever before. Like I'm supposed to believe that. 
Hitting the lotto is a sure way to stop hating on Mondays...
Went fishing before the strip club, first time I've smelled like fish before the club...
Everything happens for a reason. Sometimes the reason is that you're ignorant and make bad decisions.
Girls get so mad when you point out that their stupid friends are stupid.
Chris Brown said he might retire from music. That sure is going to leave him with a lot of time on his fists.
Michelangelo seems like a genius until you realize he spent hours of his life carving a dude's pubes out of marble.
"We have to get together sometime!" is a just another way of saying, "I regret running into you."
So let me get this straight, when I put a guy’s flesh in my mouth at church it’s “communion” but when I do it at a truck stop its a sin
“You’re beautiful the way you are, ladies. Just kidding, you need to buy this stuff.” – commercials
Being alive is so expensive.
Dihydrogen Monoxide Containment Unit. Warning: May cause diaphoresis micturition and acute tissue hydration.
Getting kicked in the b@lls is more painful for men than having a baby is for women. Proof: When a woman has a baby she says "Ooo I want to have another baby!" When a man gets kicked in the b@lls, he never wants that again. So having a baby is not as bad.
we only have 4 months left of this year, and if that doesn't freak you out you're lying
Ever notice that getting "suspended with pay" seems to only happen in government jobs
You're born looking like your parents, but you'll die looking like your decisions.
I'm sure getting kicked in the balls is more painful than pregnancy. How many men do you hear say in 12 months, "I'd like another one!"
Dance like the photos not being tagged. Love like you've never been unfriended. Sing like nobody's following. Share like you care. And do it all like it wont end up on Youtube!
Funerals are very expensive these days. Think of it as the high cost of leaving.
After my accident, I woke up in hospital with a sexy nurse standing over me. She said,"You may not feel anything from the waist down." "Fair enough," I replied, groping her breasts.... 