Funny Status Messages

   Found out today that you're supposed to urinate on a jellyfish sting, NOT a jellyroll stain. Sorry, fat stranger.

   My wife said to me, "I'm fed up with you being so lazy, pack your bags and leave." I said, "You pack them."

   going to heckle Tiger Woods at The Masters by throwing a box of condoms at him

   Ahhhhhh. I love SPRING! Bright sunshine, slight breeze, about 70 degrees, and I am inside telling you people about it! See how much I care?

   If you think things improve with age, attend a class reunion.

   500 years ago when men went to war it was common for them to force their wives to wear chastity belts while they were away.Therfore only a locksmith could remove these chastity belts. This explains why 'Smith' is the most common name in the phonebook...

   Police Station toilet stolen - Cops have nothing to go on.

   The cops came to my house earlier, claiming that my dog had chased someone on a bike. I said "Piss off, my dog doesn't have a bike!"

   REALLY annoyed. I got asked to leave the supermarket for doing what one of their supid signs said: "Wet Floor." Bunch of retards.

   thinks his disco stick is available for riding on but is not 100% sure what a disco stick even is

   My girlfriend has a cracking body. .... I think it's eczema.

   just realized that you are supposed to urinate on jellyfish stings......not jellyroll stains....sorry fat stranger!!!

   How many mimes have died because no one believed they were choking..

   moving to the country and gonna eat me a lot of peaches

   I was born in the soul of misery And I never had me a name They just give me a number when I was young

   make sure you get all the bubbles out of the syringe....

   you can polish a turd but it will always be a piece of sh*t

     You know the world is going crazy when the best rapper is a white guy, the best golfer is a black guy,the tallest guy in the NBA is Chinese,

   wishes mean people would go live on the planet Uranus.

   Wife came home from shopping, I asked her why she had to spend over £100 on makeup. She replied "It's so I can look pretty, why do you have to waste so much money on beer". I told her it was to make her look pretty. Had to sleep on the sofa that night.