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Would like to warn everyone about the upcoming election, I wont be starting any posts but by golly if it comes up in my news feed be prepared for a piece of my mind. To avoid pieces of my mind showing up in your news feed please dont post on mine. 
Every day is "hump day" to my neighbor's dog....get off of my leg you mangy mutt!
Suddenly a wild Beyonce appears... (•_•) <) )╯ all the single ladies ./ \. ( •_•) \( (> all the single ladies ./ \. (•_•) <) )╯ ./ \. oh oh oh
Hold your horses. It's hard realizing you're a horse and not a unicorn or a zebra. Console your horses. Tell them they're good enough.
The reason why women will never be the ones to propose is because as soon as she gets on her knees, he will start unzipping his pants
I really wanted to remarry the woman I divorced a year ago, but she said I was only after my money.
Ok duffus.. If your going to text me with a sexy message, try to get my name right!
That drunk girl that steals my phone and pretends to be me on here every weekend is coming over tonight
Thanks to George Zimmerman The great seal of Florida is now burned into my Plasma.
But all that aside Mrs. :Lincoln...how did you enjoy the play?
Dear person bragging about your awesome vacation.... everyone else wishes you never came back too.
In honor of having to work today, I'm not going to do a goddamned thing.
We're all here because we're not all there...
When I wake up I like to play a little game called "Goddamn Good Reason to Leave This Comfortable Bed."
Twinkies are coming back!!!!!!! :)
I hope the word ‘berserk’ appears at least once in my obituary.
Like we really need Twinkies here in America.
i hate when people steal my ideas and post them before I think of them
shouldn't there have been ONE scene in The Karate Kid where Daniel's mom was like "Why are you constantly in that old man's shed?"
If Aaron Hernandez beats this murder charge, they need to put him on the cover of next year's Madden. 