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So many things that younger generations aren't able to do now: make prank phone calls, play outside at all hours, tell time, tie shoes. 
Shouldn't "Ninja" be with a silent "N"?
Bored??.. Text random numbers the following: The courthouse has your name in the newspaper for a failure to appear for jury duty this is the 24 hour number for you to check 714-319-7020. You're welcome! :)
Walking through my house at night makes me wonder how I survived without a flashlight before I had a cell phone.
what idiot called it grass and not Earth hair
I think Ninja is actually spelled Kninja but the "K" is not only silent, but you can't even see it because it's F'ing NINJA!
if I was 85 years old and a cop pulled me over for speeding my excuse would be "am in a hurry before I forget where I am going"
I don't get a sore throat often, but when I do I swallow every few minutes to check to see if it still hurts.
im about to embark on an epic journey from a horizontal position in my bed to the coffee maker. join me on this incredible journey
Whenever I see old men on the beach with metal detectors, it makes me kind of sad. Can't you vultures just let Robocop enjoy his vacation?
"Pew pew pew! Pew pew!" - excitable church architect.
They say milk is good for your teeth you know what else is good for your teeth minding your own business lol
Wait a second! Alan Thicke's sone sings that hit R&B song? But I thought Kirk Cameron was a televangelist?
If there isn’t a Chinese millionaire that’s changed their name to Cha Ching then I don’t see the point of money.
There is a fine line between being a nice guy and being a little b*tch."
Why is there Head & Shoulders shampoo. Who has hair on their shoulders. Who's shampooing their shoulder hair. Please come forward.
If I live to be 100, I'm going to make up some fake reason why, just to mess with people... like claim I ate a pinecone every single day.
I imagine homeless people aren't the biggest fans of little dogs wearing sweaters.
I’m starting to think I buy bananas just to watch them die a slow death in my own home.
If an Elvis impersonator dies, doesn't he kind of become the best Elvis impersonator? 