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Whyyyyyyy would you kill anybody if you play in the NFL... Ok, well maybe yourself if you played for the Jaguars or Cowboys! 
Don't cry over the past, it's gone. Don't stress about the future, it hasn't arrived. Live in the present and make the most of it.
Don't let your past dictate who you are, but let it be a lesson that strengthens the person you will become.
I fall, I rise, I make mistakes, I live, I learn, I've been hurt but I'm alive. I'm human, I'm not perfect but I'm thankful.
Mistakes are painful when they happen, but years later this collection of mistakes, called experience, leads us to success.
You can never be happy if you’re trapped in the past and fearful of the future. Living in the present is the only way to be happy.
Never let failure get to your heart and never let success get to your head.
To find a prince, you're supposed to kiss a frog. Not screw the whole pond....
My girlfriends dad asked me what I do... Apparently, "your daughter" wasn't the right answer.
A Real Man Shows His Love To His Woman Daily. He Needs No Special Occasions, Holidays Or Her Birthday, He Just Spontaneously Does Things
God is a spaghetti monster. It all makes sense now. Hey everybody I'm Atheist now!
God dammit Obama. Quit sneaking into my house hiding the TV remote. Go back to destroying Merica and leave me alone.
I don't understand stalking an ex following them everywhere they go. You got hurt. Grow up and deal with it as an adult. Have sex with one of their friends or create a fake facebook account. This is 2013, get with the times.
So I ordered an industrial electric motor online and modified my ceiling fan, so now I have off, high, tornado, and hurricane. And oddly, a self cleaning house now.....
I'be gotten to the point where I can't tell the difference between homeless people and hipsters
How to you piss off a archeologist? Hand them a tampon and ask them what period it's from.
I'm not saying I'm lazy, but someone wrote "wash me" on my truck so I just wrote back "nah"
"Excuse me ma'am?... I'd like to return this Birthday Suit." ... "Sir, you're naked." ... "Where's your manager!?"
Life is like a box of chocolates, why is this box of chocolates yelling at me?
It took a lot of persuasion and reasoning on my part at this 'all-you-can-eat' buffet, but anyway... long story short... I'm about to go down on the waitress. 