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A girl just asked what I would call a girl who would do just about anything sexually on the first date. I told her I would call her a...mediately!!! 
When asked which method of payment will be used, I always put "in collections".. that way they can just skip the middle man.
If I ever get pulled over again, I am gonna sing the "Like a good neighbor State Farm is there" song and wave both hands at the police officer like I am doing a magic trick.
Judging by how much I like to crawl back under the covers in the morning I think I'd make a pretty awesome turtle.
feels sorry every summer for anyone named Eve.
Always love a woman for her personality. They have like 10, so you can choose.
Most girls want a polite thug... A dude who will open the door for her but will still smack that ass as she walks past.
What do you mean spray painting "SERVICE ANIMAL" on the side of my dog doesn't make it legal for her to be in Wally World?
Accidentally dropping a full bottle of vodka on the ground really destroys your spirit.
Loyal women will love you while you're broke; a ho will love you till you're broke
So the government gave the order for Verizon to hand over phone records so we can help them track (cough-cough) "terrorists".........yeah ok.
(._.) ( l: ) ( .-. ) ( :l ) (._.) They see me rollin. They hatin!
I hate when girls post about their relationship all day. B*tch no one gives a f*ck if your boyfriend bought you a bagel.
If Michael Douglas ever gets rectal cancer we're in for one hell of a story.
Our Father who art in Chicago. Hockey be thy name. Thy will be done, the Cup will be won, on the ice as well as in the stands.
definition of Irony: Pizza & beer with my awesome wife watching Hell'sKitchen Kitchen!!!!
Hello Verizon... This is President Obama... I am interested in your share everything plan...
sometimes if there is a cute girl at the register, I'll purposely purchase a "magnum" when I check out. BOOM!
Chum; It's like Hershey Kisses for sharks.
Just rearended a car and a midget got out. Came to me frowning and said I'm not happy so I said "Well, then which one are you?" 