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When something bad happens to me I know it's because I didn't donate that dollar to the children's fund at Publix 
Never bring a spoon to a spork fight ツ
My wife just asked me if I noticed anything different about her hair, so took the easy way out and did a triple backflip into a volcano.
What I’m really looking for in a friend is loyalty. And a pool. Mainly just a pool.
Those fake living rooms at IKEA should have a couple in them trying to assemble IKEA furniture and fighting.
If you think women are the weaker sex, try pulling the blankets back to your side in the middle of the night...
My nickname for my mother was Hannibal Lecture....
The next Fast and the Furious should just be two hours of a guy doing steroids inside of a Nissan Cube.
I'm allergic to some alcohol. I break out in Sexyness and and in extreme cases nudity...
The number one rule when you are broke is to stop talking about being broke. Nobody wants you taking out your harmonica and singing the blues every time they talk to you.
Watched my first porno today... I looked much younger back then.
My wife bet me that I couldn't make a car out of spaghetti. You should have seen her expression when I drove pasta!
I'm allergic to alcohol. I break out in Sexyness and and in extreme cases nudity, walking pneumonia and the boogie woogie flu!
You cannot solve a woman with the same level that other guys tried.
Ghetto people are always naming their kids after stuff they cant afford: Mercedes, Diamond, Bentley, Pearl, Light Bill, Rent, Car Insurance.
I wish a girl would invite me in her house and not give me that ass.... B*tch I'm slamming doors, banging pots and blowing the horn when I leave.
Fake eyelashes are okay if they look natural, but some of you women look like you gonna take flight if you blink too fast.
99 problems.... but a blessing will come.
Drake music be having you missing somebody else's ex.
I don’t understand why some people are SO obsessed about having friends…. Last time I checked caskets didn’t come with bunk beds…. f*ck em. 