Marshall The Great Funny Status Messages

   The quickest way to get someone's attention is to no longer want it.

   Always hold out your hand when someone is counting money in front of you, just in case.

   Life is less like a box of chocolate and more like a jar of jalapenos. What you do today, might burn your butt tomorrow.

   It's not easy being humble when you're flawless.

   WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at four in the morning.

   I wore a leather jacket and a lady said a cow was murdered for that... I said so you were a witness now I have to kill you too.

   If you can't laugh at yourself... I will gladly do it for you.

   ...When she walked away her ass looked like 2 midgets fighting under a blanket.

   I am not afraid of heights... I am afraid of widths.

   Just when you think you have buried the past, They find another Body...

   Never test the depth of the water with both feet.

   They say that every person who enters your life makes a difference in it, my question for you is are you gonna be a scar or a beauty mark?

   Saves lives each day... because there are people out there that need to be shot, and I don't shoot 'em!

   If anyone sees a bunch of people in their front yard tonight, don't be alarmed, were just christmas tree shopping.

   People who drive under the speed limit are probably the same people who drink decaf.

   Watching movies alone sucks. There's no one to ask, "What did he just say? Who is that guy?"

   Due to tonight's lack of sleep, tomorrow has been cancelled.

   I miss being a kid. My only responsibilities were running around and laughing a lot. And someone else was in charge of my hair.

   I found the key to success, only to discover that the door was never locked.

   They say that you are what we eat. This means that I am cheap, easy and ready in 2 minutes!