Lemonpillow Funny Status Messages

   Don't worry about what other people think because they rarely ever do.

   Always smile in the morning. It will make people wonder what you did the night before.

   An optimist laughs to forget, a pessimist forgets to laugh.

   God created man before woman... but there is always a rough draft before the masterpiece.

   My boss questioned my enthusiasm today. I can't believe he woke me up just to tell me that.

   You always get what you pay for. Nothing proves this more than toliet paper.

   This girl came up to me today and said she recognised me from vegetarian club.I was confused, I'd never met herbivore.

   This Halloween, I'll be handing out those little tiny candy bars. I think they're called bite-me sized.

   ...warns you this Halloween to beware of strangers bearing strange tools like chainsaws, staple guns, hedge trimmers, electric carving knives, and band saws.

   forgot to buy candy for the kids this Halloween but will offer them a bite of her sandwich.

   Laughing at your mistakes can lengthen your life. Laughing at someone else's can shorten it.

   I was watching some trailers at my local cinema when to my surprise a movie came on.

   Womens football. If it isn't raining I'm just not interested.

   I raised the alarm at work today.The midgets were furious.

   The good thing about multiple personalities is that if you collect enough of them you're prepared for any situation

   Physicists have yet to explain why 200 people can be working at a Wal-Mart but only three registers will be open

   Smart Man + Smart Woman = Romance . Smart Man + Dumb Woman = Affair . Dumb Man + Smart Woman = Marriage . Dumb Man + Dumb Woman = Pregnancy

   I should've known it wasn't going to work out between my ex-gf and me. After all, I'm a Gemini and she's a b*tch.

   When I was a little girl, my mother wore a mood ring. When she was in a good mood it turned blue. When she was in a bad mood, it left a big red mark on my forehead.

   I think it's funny when someone updates their status with a depressing quote or about something bad that happened, and then people “like” it. The “like” button has become used more than a gas station bathroom.