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love The beauty of vodka is that it looks like water. The beauty of the workplace is that water bottles are allowed 
My dentist said that bacon and soda works the same as toothpaste. Friends have said she prolly meant baking soda....but I disagree. :)
I don't drink no more. I don't drink no less, either...
How are the VMA's even possible when they dont play music??
I really love my new tattoo. "No pain, no g"
My Dad should be in the Guinness Book Of World Records. I'm pretty sure no one has ever taken twenty seven years to go and get a pint of milk.
"What are you in for?" "Ran a red light." "They sent you to prison for that?" "Well, I also ran the brothel behind it."
Nicolas Cage stars in the movie 'Stolen', in which he frantically searches for his missing daughter, who has been kidnapped. The producers originally had a different name for the film, but it was already Taken.
"Always leave them wanting more" is my standard approach to paying bills.
Some call it "being naive", I call it "just not caring enough to look into it any further" ...
....and THAT is how I won the staring contest against Mt Rushmore.
Call me insensitive but I'm going ahead and declaring Art Modell's passing as the Browns first win this season. 1-0 baby!
My boss asked if I had any special skills so I put my hand under my armpit to make fart sounds. We laughed and now I'm clearing out my desk
I hate it when I get into argument with another person and that other person is me.
Now is the later I avoided earlier.
I sometimes feel kinda brave until I see a slightly above average size moth.
Silence is golden… unless you have a toddler. Then in that case silence is very very suspiscious.
'Jesus loves you.' Comforting to hear in church; terrifying to hear in a Mexican prison
Pretty soon, evolution will kick in and women will be born without a gag reflex.
Apparently asking if there's a fitting room at Condom Sense is frowned upon. 