Joseph Robert Funny Status Messages

   The suggested friends list usually falls into 2 categories for me anymore. Either "Who the hell is that?" or "I should of done things to her mouth when I had the chance."

   Breaking news: future editions of Monopoly will feature interchangable spaces for what are now Income Tax and Luxury Tax. Players will have the option to choose from the words "Tax," "Penalty," or "Fine," because, clearly, words no longer have meanings

   Tom Cruise has finally reached the 71st level of Scientology, Divorce

   I think there are more pictures of cats in my news feed than people

   Sometimes I just want to slap the stupid out of people, but I'm worried it'd take up my entire day

   People with full heads of hair that complain about grey hairs make me sick. It's like complaining that your Lamborghini gets terrible gas mileage.

   Picking a wedding reception venue is a lot like picking a college - I'm looking for a good place to drink, hang out with my friends and get laid

   I wish Living Social had deals on health insurance

   I'm always proud of myself for being able to itch my ass with my own fart

   Some thug kid stole my bike today but I didn't care cause I know I'll get him back when I download his music for free in ten years

   Since this is an "S" storm, I think they should have named it Hurricane Snookie since it will be slamming and blowing the entire Jersey Shore

   When life gives you lemons, get some Tequila and call me

   The rhinoceros is just a fat, lazy unicorn

   If I ever get a really exotic car I'm going to get a vanity plate that says something like "Bubble King" or "Tuna Money" so people could wonder what the hell I ever did with bubbles or tuna to finance a car like that

   I just found 20 dollars! I guess good things do happen to bad people!

   I bet socks and disposable contact lenses have abandonment issues

   I'm always let down when I see a fat kid on a seesaw by himself and nobody falls from the sky

   The real Christmas miracle is how quick I go broke

   Every day is only a beer away from being a good one

   I think it'd be more fun if cops pulled people over with red and green lights this time of year