Hot Tea Funny Status Messages

   Happy first Sunday following the full moon that occurs on or following the Vernal Equinox!

   Dear Westboro Baptist Cult, we have a funeral you can protest. It's in Pakistan, we'll help you pack. The Patriot Guard promises to not bother you

   I never dreamed that motherhood would include telling my boys: "Don't pee on the lawn mower!"

   in the worst pain I've ever been in!! Hit a dry spot on a Slip n' Slide.

   Typical Saturday Morning: Who's bed is this and where are my pants?

   I needed to find a donut shop. I didn't want to attempt to start up the GPS on my phone while driving. I followed a cop. It took 4 minutes.

   Am I the only one that thinks it's creepy for women to call their men "Daddy"?

   suffers occasional delusions of adequacy.

   What do you think it means if there's no fortune in your cookie?

   In my next life, I pray Zinggers don't taste so good.

   My youngest turns 13 in a couple of weeks, which means I'll have three teenagers in the house. I can only assume that qualifies me for some sort of federal disaster relief funding.

   If aliens ever land on earth and demand to see our leader, our best chance of survival is to bring them to Lady Gaga.

   made an observation at the drug store today. There's an aisle that pretty much sums up the phases of life in products. Diapers, condoms, and adult diapers. From peeing in your pants, to lots of sex, then, back to peeing in your pants.

   Sometimes my mind wanders. I don't know what it does the rest of the time.

   A box of poptarts to any one that can find my underwear.

   I can leap off tall buildings in a single bound, but only once.

   Me: "What color hair does the tooth fairy have?" My son: "Red, because it is you. I don't believe in fairies." My other son: "Her hair is gray. She colors it." Maybe I should have taught them to believe in fairies.

   Normally my dog opens the door with his face, tonight he sat and looked up at me when we got to the door. So I opened it with my face, I can see now why he's not a fan of this method.

   If you have a parrot and you don't teach it to say,"Help, they've turned me into a parrot." you are wasting everybody's time.

   At lunch, and just ordered a chicken salad sandwich and an egg salad sandwich to see which would come first.