Lemonpillow Funny Status Messages

   I said to my girlfriend "Just remember,my grandmother is a bit old & hard of hearing. So speak nicely,speak slowly & speak loudly." I then whispered to my perfectly capable grandmother "My girlfriend is slightly retarded." Oh,what fun I had.

   Toothbrush: "Sometimes I think I have the worst job in the world!" Toilet paper " Yeah,right."

   Crack,meth,heroine. All these drugs should be manufactured by pharmacutical companies. That way,no one could afford them.

   Eight deaths in one year at a Chinese phone manufacturing plant? There's an App for that.

   An Officer came to me and asked "Where were you between 4 and 6?" I responded "Kindergarten."

   ..always finds it tempting to yell "EVERYBODY! DOWN ON THE FLOOR!" when she's waiting in line at her bank.

   I bought a pack of biscuits today and on it said "store in a cool place." So I sent them to Samuel Jacksons house.

   What's the biggest crime committed by transvestites? Male Fraud.

   My friend was too cheap to hire a proper butler. So he ended up with one with no left arm. Serves him right.

   I explained to the doctor, "Whenever I harvest our cornfields, I get a really bad headache." "It's a migraine," he explained. "No, it's not, it's mine - and why the hell have you started speaking Italian?"

   ..is already missing her time in Palermo. They had sunshine and sexy women. What does the U.K. haue? A week of summer and Susan Boyle.

   will be attending Sleep. Invited By : Mr Sandman.RSVP: Yes. Location: My Bed. Time: Now until 7 Am.

   Did you hear about the Chinese parents who gave birth to a retarded baby? They named him "Sum Ting Wong."

   ..is having a threesome with two men tonight : Ben &Jerry. x

   Blondes may have more fun, but brunettes remember it the next day.

   My journey of a thousand miles began with a single step. But I had the wrong shoes on and now i've gone back a few paces.

   I just said hey to Sarah Jessica Parker and she got really excited. She must have thought I meant hay.

   Ex-president Bush blamed BP for the disaster off the coast of Louisiana. Later he recanted saying "He thought BP stood for Black President."

   Does a coffin come with a life time guarantee?

   Clowns to the left of me, jokers to the right, here I am, auditioning for the circus again.