SuthernFukr Funny Status Messages

   My holiday catalog fort is coming along quite nicely.

   Open-toed boots are the mullet of ladies' footwear.

   The upside of crystal meth is I found out my dog is a great listener.

   Just overheard two foodies debating the best way to make Thanksgiving gravy. It was like my ears were being waterboarded.

   My thoughts are strangers with rides and I keep getting in.

   Not sure why there isn't a Williams sister sitting on my face right now.

   Los Angeles hasn't changed me. I still put on leather pants one leg at a time.

   The best thing about an ultrasound photo is you can tag any guy you've had sex with in it and he'll think you're pregnant & that's his baby.

   Now taking holiday orders for my homemade body butter. Please sign the release form stating that you are not allergic to Krazy Glue.

   My tweets have been squeaky clean today. Like a French woman's cute little petunia after a visit to the bidet!

   I see all these dark smoke signals coming from my neighbor's house & all I can think is, "How long can it take for him to elect a new Pope?"

   The downside of fame? I can't walk out of a nice restaurant without immediately getting harassed and hounded by a waiter holding the bill.

   If I had a time machine I would go back in time 20 minutes & unsmell my cousin Daryl's finger.

   I appreciate a really well thought out poor excuse.

   Can you die from constipation? I'm a little worried with how full of sh!t some people are.

   Made eye contact with a cop on the platform as the train took off. I gave him the finger on principal.

   This cold, bleak, dreary, wet, grey weather has given me Seasonal Adjective Disorder.

   Laugh now but at the rate they are reproducing, the people of Walmart may one day take over the world.

   Dance like no ones watching. Sing like no ones listening. Live everyday like Maury told you its not your baby

   Bacon. The word alone deserves its own status.