Marshall The Great Funny Status Messages

   I would never tell someone how to do their job but I don't think each of the 78 items I purchased at the grocery store needed their own bag.

   Can't wait to get off work, then I can finally stop staring at this damn computer, and go stare at a different computer.

   With the price of printer ink so high, it would probably be more cost-effective to keep a giant aquarium full of squid and harvest my own.

   Everyone has three lives: their public life, private life, and secret life.

   Either my shirt shrunk in the wash or, a more likely reason, those four push-ups per day have made me a BEAST.

   Life experiences are like quarters, you lose both when you are sitting around on the couch.

   I don't drink about you anymore.

   You know you're awesome when you know you're awesome.

   When I'd go to clubs, I'd spend half the time texting people who weren't there. Eventually I realized I could just send those texts from home.

   You know when you finish an extremely hot shower, throw open the door and cold air hits you full force? I'd like that in a Gatorade flavor.

   Why does the disclaimer narrater for prescription drugs always sound so happy about all the side effects?

   Some people just don't know how to drive... I call these people, "Everybody But Me."

   I just read a Facebook status update that was so confusing, I had no idea what they meant. Then I realized it was mine.

   When I'm dead, these Facebook status updates will be worth twice as much.

   I'm trying to remain humble but I'm the most famous person in my living room right now.

   If all of your Facebook pictures are tiny, people think you're retarded.

   What happens in Vegas (losing your money) stays in Vegas (all your money).

   The worst things in life are also free.

   Liking your own status on Facebook is like giving yourself a high five in public...not a good look.

   Why does Samsung think I want a TV that can update my Facebook status?