g0re Funny Status Messages

   I do the perfect imitation of a slug being poured salt on when my mom turns the light on in my room this early

   I used to play sports. Then I realised you can buy trophies.. Now I am good at everything.

   "On a scale of 1-100 how immature are you?" "69"

   Me: I wasn't that drunk.. Myself: Dude, you were talking to yourself! Me: ...and... Myself: ...and you still are.

   Last night I jerked off so good that when I woke up my D!ck was in the kitchen making breakfast

   The awkard moment when you realize Valentines day is approaching fast and the only one who loves you is your pet..

   bThe awkard moment when the only thing you know on your test is your name.

   Everybody talks about my drinking but nobody talks about my thirst.

   WOMAN'S LOGIC... Bikini: no problem Underwear and Bra: OMG!!! DONT LOOK!!!

   "I wasn't that drunk" "Dude, you picked up a little Mexícan girl and screamed, 'DORA! I NEED YOUR MAP TO GET HOME!'" @____@

   DEAR SIDEWALK, Please get wider... SINCERELY, 3rd FRIEND WALKING BEHIND FEELING EXCLUDED.

   you know your hungry when your stomach sounds like chewbacca with a ballpoint pen up his a$$

   To do list: go to a bank wearing a ski mask. complete a normal transaction. leave as if nothing happened.

   who else pretends someone you like is randomly watchin u, so that you do whatever you were doing 10x better?

   that awkard moment when your trapped in the corner of your shower because the cold water came out

   please ignore this status, I am standing in public alone and I don't want to seem like a total loner, so I am making it look like I am textin

   "I wasnt that drunk.." ... "bro you threw my parrot into a wall screaming "ANGRY BIRDS! " @___@

   Today I changed my name in my dads phone to God and when he swore I texted him saying "I HEARD THAT!" The look on his face; priceless.

   Dwayne Wade n Chris Bosh both took cpr classes this summer... just incase Lebron decides to choke again this year.

   Today I saw a homeless man holding a sign that said "why live in a $100k home when I can live under a 3 million dollar bridge?"