SuthernFukr Funny Status Messages

   If you want a successful relationship, find someone who likes the same thermostat setting you do.

   Cats probably wouldn't need 9 lives if they wore tiny little helmets and didn't smoke cigarettes.

   Keep you friends close and your enemies bound and gagged in a basement like Ving Rhames in "Pulp Fiction."

   A new study found a midday doughnut is good for the part of the brain that fabricates studies to rationalize a midday doughnut.

   I've spoken with 3 Kevins today. Think I'm set for the week.

   The best nicknames are the ones people don't know they have.

   Hey, law enforcement. Arrest and question every middle aged man owning a tan windbreaker. I have a hunch.

   MURDERERS: Don't button your shirt all the way up to the top button or people will know you're a murderer.

   My printer is louder than the original printing press.

   "To generalize is to be an idiot." - William Blake, or one of those other poet guys.

   Shouting "Ewok porn!" during a brainstorming session is neither "productive" nor "funny" apparently.

   If I had an anal fissure, I would go around bragging, “I'm so ripped.”

   Excuse me.....Excuse me.....excuSE ME....MOVE B!TCH!

   I am a tireless advocate for sitting quietly by while others try do stuff about whatever that stuff is they care about.

   #fatgirlstrippernames: Dolores Umbridge... and now your life is scarred forever with that mental image.

   When you "ASSUME" you make an "ass" out of "u" and Melissa Etheridge

   To celebrate my 666th tweet I'm going to sacrifice a virgin & bite the head off a chicken. AKA "sex behind KFC"

   America, we are out of toilet paper.

   Ex girlfriends are like farts...They feel good to let go but then they just linger around and annoy all your friends...

   Currently using Google image search to determine whether or not I should swallow this pill I found on the floor behind my desk.