doc noland Funny Status Messages

   You know I mean business when I spin my phone keyboard into landscape mode.

   BREAKING: Lady Gaga gains weight, decides to release new single "Porker Face".

   got the best Halloween costume for his P@nis: Tube Sock Shakur.

   indecisive and thoroughly confused, the replacement refs ordered a diet mtn. coke.

   wasn't Fellatio one of the Three Musketeers?

   I know its early, but I wanna sneak off to the bar

   I'm so good in bed...I'll make you forget your safe word.

   You know that song... You give love a bad name...Pretty sure that was meant for me.

   My signature move has been foiled by carpal tunnel and tennis elbow.

   When I kiss a girl, sometimes I dont know what to do with my hands, so I slow clap behind her head to make sure she knows I'm enjoying it.

   You can tell a lot about someone by the swastika they've carved into their forehead.

   Can I still call it mimosa if its in a flask?

   I am not an alcoholic... I have an alcohol fetish.

   Tonight I saw a man pull the stick from his corn dog and eat it without the stick. It was me. I did that. I am capable of anything.

   Ok, I cant take it anymore. Tampon commercials create an unrealistic expectation of how much fun it is to be around menstruating women.

   it rude to throw a breath-mint in someone's mouth while they are talking?

   just heard a woodpecker call me a "paranoid weirdo" in morse code.

   If you block me, don't be surprised if you look out your window to see me making out with your garden gnome.

   I am pretty sure I have regained my virginity.

   I hate it when totally random strangers ask me stupid questions like "Why are you licking me?"