Marshall The Great Funny Status Messages

   Facebook needs to add "still banging my ex" as a relationship status option.

   Just because you don't have a pool, doesn't mean you can't have a diving board.

   There is absolutely no substitute for a genuine lack of preparation.

   My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I am right.

   You're never too old to learn something stupid.

   You can tell the quality of a person by how they treat people they don't need.

   Fortune Cookie: "Your life will be happy and peaceful." Dear Cookie: What drugs are you on? We should share.

   The road to truth is long, and lined the entire way with annoying ba$stards.

   All I want for Christmas, is to keep the things I've got.

   I think It's funny that my mom has figured out how to tag me in pics he upload to Facebook but the clock on his VCR has been wrong since 1987.

   Fastest way to piss me off? Tell me to "settle down."

   I bet those Chilean miners going to be pissed when they have to go back to work at 5 in the morning tomorrow.

   Based on the way it's being used "LOL" must stand for "OK"

   An "open relationship" is when both people are cheating on each other and want everyone else to know.

   People should have to pass an IQ test to use the self-checkout section.

   .Neighbors get really angry when they catch you on their roof adjusting their satellite dish.

   Ringing in the "New Year" apparently is not a valid excuse for showing up to work 3 hours late... in October.

   When I say, "Hold that thought," it's just a polite way of saying I'm not interested.

   Show me a person who can be trusted with a laser pointer, and I will show you someone whose soul has died.

   Ya know when ya go on vacation and you just can't wait to get home to take a nice, healthy dump?