Aaron Funny Status Messages

   If I ever get arrested, my one phone call will be to the police station to do a bomb scare. I'm not spending the night there.

   I feel like grabbing a random kid by the shoulders and screaming "I'm you from the future!"

   Loving someone means never killing them even if you hear scratchy, high pitched demon voices telling you "it must be done."

   That akward moment when a Zombie is looking for brains and it walks right past you..

   If I see a parked car with one of those stick figure family things, I always add a sticker of myself to it and then just wait in the car.

   You actually are not the stupidest person on the planet. But if he were to die...

   Roses are red. Violets are blue. The Universe is a holographic wave-particle illusion. I licked all your spoons.

   If you want to find a needle in a haystack, burn the haystack.

   Being lonely, I don't sit at reserved tables. I like the furniture to be friendly and outgoing.

   Halloween is the by far the safest day to kill a person and leave them in a chair on your porch.

   I want to make a font joke, but I'm just not bold enough.

   Those "Speed Enforced by Aircraft" signs don't understand how eager I am to get pulled over by an F-16.

   I had a near death experience, and I saw heaven. People were screaming and there was fire everywhere. It was glorious.

   I like to lift my feet up so the person in the stall next to me thinks it's a ghost that has diarrhea.

   I'm sick of people knocking on my door looking for donations. Just had a woman from the sperm bank. Boy, did I give her a mouthful...

   To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.

   The owner of the local movie theatre passed away. His funeral will be at 2, 4:30, 7 and 10.

   Found a roll of "choking hazard" stickers, so far I've plastered my pants with them.

   I don't know where you got your opinion, but I hope you kept the receipt.

   If you guys were at a bar right now I'd burst through the door & say "Drinks are on me!" Then I'd go to the bathroom & climb out the window.