doc Noland Funny Status Messages

   a guy at work has the whispering skills of Samuel L. Jackson.

   Nobody at work will play bloody knuckles with me. I swear we've raised a nation of pansies. Now where's my latte and hot rock masseuse?

   thinking of joining the Mortal Kombat tournament. I am pretty deadly with Hulk hands on.

   I organized a 3 some last night. There were a couple of no shows but I still had a good time.

   Heard they let some women into that fancy Augusta golf course. There is no shame in that. This is America, nobody likes a sausagefest.

   I have my hesitations about Paradise City if the first thing you brag about is the color of the grass

   Being single is nice because I don't have to repeat my mumbled gibberish in a defensive tone.

   Not enough rap songs out there stressing the importance of eating carbs before drinking champagne. So you can remember that h0e.

   How are there 45 shows about storage units and 23 about pawn shops and not a single show about women doing yoga?

   The person who truly sees will marvel at everyday things.

   Apple is suing the family of Sir Isaac Newton on the grounds he had no right using the apple to prove the theory of gravity

   The speed of a movie loading on Netflix is approximately three sandwiches.

   Snooki has given birth. This can only mean one thing to the cast of Jersey Shore: placenta shots!

   I bet deaf people get really confused when they talk to someone who is applying hand lotion...

   If you can't be with the one you love, throw yourself into oncoming traffic

   I bet koala farts smell like cough drops.

   She said I was never "romantic". I said just two words. "Morning. Wood."

   Kim Kardashian says her divorce was like beating cancer. In archived footage, Kim can be seen beating and blowing a 12 inch cancer.

   Self esteem doesn't come from a bottle. Of course not, you pour it into a glass.

   I'm an okay dancer until I whip out the finger guns, then I'm just majestic.