SuthernFukr Funny Status Messages

   A fauxhawk is a good way of letting people know they can beat you in a fight.

   Why do firetrucks often accompany ambulances to a call? I'd be like "I'm not on fire; I just can't feel my legs! Chillax!"

   "Do you agree to our Terms and Conditions?" - The question that will someday come back to haunt us all.

   Every time I type "not" it auto-corrects to "Nottingham." I think I accidentally stole Robin Hood's iPad.

   I fear that if the Mississippi "life begins at conception" bill passes, my army of tissue babies will rise up & take over the world.

   You can take that tone of "here comes the shocking part" out of your voice. I've already guessed the ending.

   Studies have shown a daily BJ makes relationships last much longer. It's true, I took a seat and volunteered for these studies.

   Forget personalized ringtones. I need something done to my doorbell so I can tell if it's family, friends, UPS, Jehovah's Witnesses, or people trying to sell me sh!t.

   Everyone else has a nickname for their own butt, right?

   Who the puck names their kid Wolfgang?

   I'm calling into work sick-of-this-sh!t.

   Wake & Bake People!!! Who wants a chocolate chip muffin?!?

   I hate it when I forget to turn my swag off at night and I wake up covered in b!tches.

   Father Jim inspired me to confess with a lighter attitude. From now on, it's "Bless me, Father, these sins are gonna crack you up!"

   In Ashton Kutcher's defense, Demi Moore only lets him read the comic books Bruce Willis left at the house.

   Doesn't it sometimes seem like Dr Phil is doing an impression of Dr Phil?

   People still talk about the Clinton sex scandal as if the meteoric rise and fall of the Sneaker Pimps wasn't the 90s drama du jour.

   Just learned that spraying Febreze into my mouth to chase a shot of vodka causes me to say "Heavens to Betsy!" a lot while I do a crazy jig.

   I was categorized as being in beast mode but have since been downgraded to a tropical storm.

   When cops respond to a domestic violence call & they hear Bob Seger coming from the house, they're like "Uh oh…"