Aaron Funny Status Messages

   I call dibs on everything, ever. Sorry, it's out of my hands now. I'll be by to pick up all of your stuff later. Or MY stuff, rather.

   Warning: Warnings are so retarded. Like on this deodorant 'Avoid contact with eyes.' Too late, I've already seen it.

   I go to the liquor store and stock up for hurricanes almost every other weekend.

   You'd think Tigger and Eeyore would have traded some of their meds.

   When the public restroom is out of paper towels, I slap strangers on the back and tell them "good game" until my hands are dry.

   Just took a shower. You have no idea how hard it was to sneak that thing out of Home Depot.

   My doctor said I need to workout with dumb-bells. Would any of you like to go jogging with me?

   A homeless guy asked me for 50 cents for a sandwich. I said, "First lemme see the sandwich."

   Whoa. The land-telephone appliance just rang. Couldn't remember what to do so I stopped, dropped, and rolled.

   It's my dream to take a stretch limo to a drive thru, pay at the first window & pick up my food at the second window without moving my car.

   Scared of dying alone? Become a careless bus driver!

   I can tolerate having a "kick me" note put on my back, but a "wash me" note really cuts to the core.

   It's kinda bullsh*t how humans have to obey all these laws while bears get to eat whoever they want.

   I'm participating in a 0.25K run to raise awareness for people with attention deficit disorder.

   The original plan for Mount Rushmore was to have them all making out with each other.

   If I ever saw someone do some of the things I do, I'd be horrified.

   Ive created a fb group called "threesome" and invited two girls. I'm not going to say a word and just see what happens.

   My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'

   Couldn't afford a butterfly knife, so I got a caterpillar one. Now, I wait.

   Whenever I'm introduced to an old person I mentally add “osaurus” to their name.