lemonpillow Funny Status Messages

   Sometimes I think I'm a genius. Then I realize I've already seen this episode of Jeopardy.

   When the Chinese teach their babies to eat with chopsticks,do they start them off with toothpicks?

   According to a new report,women who have had breast implants get spells of dizziness,blurred vision & slurred speech. This is because of the amount of alcohol bought for them.

   I like to go up to people playing Solitaire and ask "Who's winning?"

   Mother rabbit to baby bunny: "A magician pulled you out of a hat. Now stop asking questions."

   I wish the government would takeover all the Farmville land and sell it off Facebook to pay down the national debt

   Today, I went to meet a girl I met on facebook. When I met her, I was shocked to see that her actual appearance didn't match that of her facebook pic. The words "Stock Photo" weren't even written on her Forehead.

   If you work for British Airways & have been on strike this week, next time you see a soldier/airman/sailor who's returned from Operations in Afghanistan make sure you tell him/her about your awful working conditions, poor uniform & low pay. Good luck.

   If you think things improve with age, attend a class reunion.

   500 years ago when men went to war it was common for them to force their wives to wear chastity belts while they were away.Therfore only a locksmith could remove these chastity belts. This explains why 'Smith' is the most common name in the phonebook...

   How many mimes have died because no one believed they were choking..

   You're my nothing. Why? Because nothing lasts forever.

   It felt good to turn my lights out yesterday for Earth Day. On hindsight,i probably shouldn't have been driving at the time.

   LIE: A very poor substitute for the truth, but the only one discovered to date.

   Bananosecond, n.; Time elapsed between slipping on the peel and hitting the pavement.

   I'm a "person of interest"? Well,thank you very much, Officer.

   My mate told me that she was having nothing to do with me anymore because she was fed up with my bad habits. I nearly choked on my toenail.

   How can you tell if your chocolate Easter bunny is male or female? Bite it's head off. If it's hollow,it's a male.

   Get away from me! What am i? Flypaper for freaks?

   I'm what you might call an "incurable romantic". Although that's not the term they use at the Free Clinic.