doc Noland Funny Status Messages

   If a girl got naked in front of me at this point , I'd probably jerk off out of habit, and fold her in half like my laptop when I'm done.

   It's hangovers like this that make me wish I had a Life Alert.

   Hey guys, my first time flossing today. Quick question, how do you put the teeth that fell out back in?

   In this lifetime you either win the Triple Crown or you get tendinitis. You can't have both.

   Dear Non Smokers: You know we only blow smoke in your faces so that you will finally stop breathing, right?

   Shout out to most of the Thundercats.

   Licking whiskey off your keyboard in the morning is something everyone does, right?

   Super excited that bicycle seat sniffing season is already here!

   I tweet while driving to keep from falling asleep

   If your laugh in real life sounds like "Bwahahaha", guaranteed I won't be funny around you.

   If I can make you laugh with a Facebook Status... Imagine what I could do if we met at a bar.

   The worst part of seeing a spider in the shower was the way it covered it's eyes when it saw me.

   I'd rather take it doggy from Liberace on my grandmothers gravesite while Debbie Gibson's Electric Youth is playing than watch Twilight.

   It pours the Whiskey on its liver or else it gets the hose again

   I bet Abraham Lincoln killing vampires isn't half as good as the movie I just made up about Bill Clinton beaver Destroyer.

   I bet Abraham Lincoln killing vampires isn't half the movie as my idea about Bill Clinton destroying beavers.

   Only God can judge me, and my neighbors. And my friends. And Family. And random drivers while I lip sync "Call me Maybe" while on the Interstate.

   If you don't remember pushing "6" three times to get the letter "O", you're too young for me to text with.

   So lately I've started describing myself as OPPOP. That's the opposite of popular and no, you may not use that.

   Finally got around to shaving my crotch after a few years. Its nice to see my knees again.