aaron Funny Status Messages

   My life needs more explosions and gaping plot holes.

   This is 2011. Giving me $10 to cut your grass will get me as far as mowing "F**K YOU" in it.

   Ground is soft this time of year. But burying a body is hot, sweaty work. And that's how the lemonade industry gets you.

   I bet a turtle's last thought before getting run over is always, "I got this."

   Just once I want to see a marathon winner cross the finish line and immediately fire up a cigarette.

   Google Earth is way cooler than regular Earth.

   I opened our windows to get some fresh air in the house and now the neighbors are wondering why the whole block stinks

   Every time I eat Chinese food I wear something nice, just in case I die in the same position as Elvis.

   My car goes from 0 to 60 in five minutes.

   Would it kill Barney to just eat a kid every now and then?

   Pain is nature's way of saying, "Don't do that." Painkillers are mankind's way of saying, "Just watch me."

   Hey elderly people, nobody takes you seriously until you've put tennis balls on your walker.

   My interest in boomerangs comes and goes.

   My favorite part of a marathon is watching the reaction of runners who grab my plastic cup of vodka.

   Some people sing to plants to help them grow. That's one reason I scream at the top of my lungs the entire time I mow.

   I've been to the dentist several times so I know the drill

   Using a public restroom always reminds me how much better I am at flushing a toilet than a lot of other people.

   If you wink constantly while you're committing a crime, you cannot be arrested for it.

   Do you know how much more gas mileage my car would get if it didn't have to haul my fat ass around?

   Just saw a homeless woman try to use a cat as a telephone. She accepted a cigarette in exchange for the cat. Cat is my telephone now.