Doc Noland Funny Status Messages

   It's nice finding people from our past. I'm still trying to find the girl from elementary school that couldn't stop sucking her thumb.

   I don't know why cops bother asking me questions I've never had one believe me.

   Never has there been so many energy drinks yet we've never been more tired.

   its enough gravy when my plate looks like an infinty pool

   Sometimes, I say weird things during intercourse, like "I love you" and/or "Please look directly into the camera and say you have agreed to this."

   My girl says she doesn't want me j@rking off in the shower anymore. I told her its my d!ck and I'll wash it as fast as I want to.

   You stopped serving breakfast at 10:30!?! Seriously? Who gets here by 10:30? What am I, a fn farmer?

   Have you ever seen the Cookie Monsters feet? No. thats diabetes for you.

   What the f needed cutting so urgently that people were running with scissors in the first place?

   Ladies... After a BJ, if your makeup doesn't look like The Joker's, you half-a55ed it.

   I'm doing 'Angry Yoga' tonight. It's just lying on the floor drinking a bottle of whiskey as I shout at my man b00bs.

   Its all fun and games till your both naked and someone is getting their face nawed on.

   "Hey I just met you and this is crazy but here's my lumber so haul me maybe?" - Mexicans outside Home Depot.

   The effects that bath salts have been having give a whole new meaning to "Calgon · Take Me Away!"

   promise, as a very white guy, to never say "Salt 'N Peppa" out loud.

   Bath salts side effects include: hallucinations, delusions, erratic behavior, immunity to bullets and being a terrible kisser.

   Dear Liver: thank you for being a most gracious and forgiving blood filter. Love, me.

   Zombie Apocalypse? I'd like to give those Zombies a piece of my mind..

   Shoved my cat in the garbage disposal and accidentally wrote the new Skrillex album.

   Not saying I'm in dire need of affection but the next girl I date better be an octopus on ecstacy.