aaron Funny Status Messages

   "Hey, there's food on the ground. Let's go." "No way, it hasn't been 5 seconds yet." -germs

   When it comes to helping you, some people stop at nothing.

   Kilometers are shorter than miles. So I'll be taking my next trip in kilometers to try and save some gas.

   Just to be sure, I write "That's You!" on all my mirrors

   I'll have a cheeseburger, minus the burger, cheese, bread, and add tequila

   My life can be summed up in an overwhelming urge to wash my hands.

   sometimes I stroll through homeless shelters handing out real estate pamphlets just for fun.

   Don't know why the wife gets so disgusted when I go to the bathroom in the shower.If you step on it a few times it won't clog the drain.

   “Come on, dude. Grow a pear.” - farmer to a barren tree

   custom fitted, custom kitted, wood grain, custom errything, whats that on the seat? custom mustard stain.

   My toilet swallows so many loads that I purchased a wig to go over the tank.

   Doing my own stunts on Facebook since 2009.

   If I was a cab driver, I'd whisper "I could have kept you" to passengers before they got out.

   I'm only going to waste 23 hours tomorrow.

   I told a girl she drew her eyebrows on too high. She looked pretty surprised.

   Every time I hear someone say "The Lord works in mysterious ways," I picture him performing miracles while doing the robot.

   The problem with America today is if you rob a bank, you have to bring your own sacks with “$” on them.

   No one ever gives me a hand, but I often get a finger.

   I wish getting old meant growing a majestic pair of antlers.

   If Microsoft Word has taught me anything it's that if I want to get a point across, I need to use bullets.