MBH Funny Status Messages

   If you're going to tell people the truth, you better make them laugh, otherwise they'll kill you...

   Me refering to my buddy's newborn baby: He's so tiny... Him: You should see the balls on him.

   I've noticed the drunker women get the more they want to sing hits from the 80s.

   Well officer, it wasn't public urination until you started looking at me.

   Dear reply-to-all sender, we obviously have a mutual friend here and even though I've never met you, I hate you already.

   The only thing I hate about having a phone is when people call.

   No meal tastes as delicious as the meal that someone else cooks.

   When you count, it's called push-ups. When you don't, it's called sex.

   I wouldn't call it a career, it's more of a soul-sucking paycheck making machine.

   Love is like a beach ball at a rock concert. It's fun for the people that get to be a part of it and just plain annoying for everyone else.

   I'm watching Scarface 'cause I'm gangsta... On VHS 'cause I'm old school.

   Captain Obvious must have been the last superhero name available.

   If you're wearing sweat pants either you just worked out or you've never worked out.

   I wish I was friends with a midget so I could introduce by saying, "Say hello to my little friend."

   Happiness is realizing you can have as many drinks as you want 'cause you're not driving.

   Victoria's Secret: objects in this t-shirt may be smaller than they appear.

   People accuse me of being overly competitive. I'm not. I'm the most non-competitive person in the world. No one even comes close.

   You're only young once. After that, you need some other excuse for acting like an idiot.

   It may be Pre-Season Football, but I'm drinking like this game really counts.

   Tom Brady says he refuses to watch Hard Knocks. He doesn't need to watch. The Patriots tape the Jets practices anyway.