DeeX Funny Status Messages

   I would 100% support legislation to make it mandatory for all public restrooms be equipped with flushable baby wipes. :-)

   Even though Kanye West DID NOT compare himself to Nelson Mandela, would it really surprise anyone if he actually had?

   ATTENTION: Miley Cyrus is worth MILLIONS OF DOLLARS. She probably doesn't care what we think of her.

   It seems like I can have any woman I DON'T want.

   Some days, you just gotta remind yourself "Stab'em below the waist and it's only assault, NOT attempted murder."

   I think every Taco Bell value meal should be called a "Number 2".

   All these folks (mainly women) wanting to see a 50 Shades of Gray movie or Magic Mike 2. Should we tell them they can watch MUCH better porn online for free?

   You don't need a Corvette when you have a big pen*s

   I'm seriously going to become a marriage councelor and whenever couples come to me, my therapy would be making them both browse through a dating website for 30 minutes.

   Anal bleaching; because you never get a second chance to make a first impression.

   Never date a woman over 35 whose cats are named after fashion designers.

   Beware the "filters on every selfie" woman.

   Her: "Now, I'm going to go to the bathroom and take off my 1 pound of makeup, high heels, push-up bra, colored contacts and 3/4 of my hair and then we're going to talk about YOU being more honest."

   Up until 2 days ago, thanks to my news feed, I didn't even know Dean Cain was even still alive.

   Her: Who's your favorite Kardashian? Me: Gul Dukat.

   If you're married and having trouble, ask "what would Jesus do?" then remember that jesus was never married.

   Whitney Houston found dead in the tub, her daughter found unresponsive in a bathtub, maybe that family should start taking showers.

   Women claim to not care for looks as much as guys do but I doubt they'll go see Magic Mike or 50 Shades or Gray if it starred Steve Buscemi and Seth Rogan.

   A cop pulled me over last night. I let him off with a warning.

   I don't consider them one night stands. I prefer to call the auditions.