Marshall The Great Funny Status Messages

   Facebook has revealed that there are many, many people just like me and now I know why the world is screwed.

   Finds that the best place to pick up women is at the Immigration Office.

   Some people should "dance like no one's looking" where I can't see them.

   Scrw you recommended serving size. You don't know me.

   The man in front of me is buying a pregnancy test. I bet this is the one time in his life, he wishes she sent him for tampons.

   "It's impossible," said pride. "It's risky," said experience. "It's pointless," said reason. "Give it a try," whispered the heart.

   There was a piece of chocolate cake in the fridge and a note, "Don't eat me." Now there's an empty plate and a note, "Don't tell me what to do."

   I'm tired of waiting to drive a flying car!

   "911, what's your emergency?" - "Quick, my dreams are dying!"

   If you think about it, puff puff pass is just like the grown up version of duck duck goose.

   If God is watching us, the least we can do is be entertaining.

   They say spiders, bears and snakes are as scared of us as we are of them. They have an advantage over people, though. They're probably pretty damned sure people aren't going to bite them.

   Don't say "Can I be honest with you?" an hour into the conversation. It leads me to believe you've been lying up until now.

   There are 2 versions of being broke... A guy version and a girl version. Girl version: They can still get their hair and nails done. Guy version: We will be looking like a gorilla and eating from the dollar menu until next pay period.

   Ever wonder what your face is doing when you aren't paying attention?

   All the landmarks and millions of beautiful places on Google Earth, and the first thing everyone looks at is their own house.

   Bandaids come in two varieties. The kind that won't stay on and the kind that won't come off.

   I like holding the door for people who are far away, you know so they have to run a little.

   Nobody is perfect, I am Nobody.

   Nothing says "I don't have a mode of transportation" like being the dude hugging another dude on the back of a Harley.