lemonpillow Funny Status Messages

   Got a call from my mum. She wanted help with her jigsaw puzzle. I said "Sure thing,just look at picture on the front of the box.". "Its not helping"she said. "Its just a stupid rooster!" "Mum,you daft cow" said. "Just put the cornflakes back in the box."

   They keep telling me that the right person will come along. I think mine got hit by a truck.

   Everyone's days are numbered. It's called a calendar.

   ..is in negotations with Vancouver. They're desperate for snow and she's sick of it.

   Happy Birthday Eastenders! 25 years of bad acting and impossible storylines. And still we're hooked.

   Weekends are like rainbows: they look great from a distance but seem to disappear when you get close to them.

   They say children brighten up the household. That's because they never turn out the ilghts.

   I have no problem giving credit where credit is due. It's giving payment where payment is due is where I struggle.

   I spent a lot of time trying to come up with a pun about limousines, but I have nothing to chauffeur it.

   The most beautiful things in the world cannot be seen or even touched. At least,that's what the restraining order says.

   I won't stand for gossip. I prefer to sit down and make myself comfortable.

   Putting your phone away and paying attention to those talking to you? There's an App for that. It's called "respect".

   My father was a dentist and my mother was a manicurist.They kept fighting tooth and nail.

   The difference between divorce and legal seperation is that legal seperation gives a husband time to hide his money.

   Sometimes when my internet is down,i forget that the rest of my computer still works.

   If actions speak louder than words,then why can't I hear mimes?

   Love is blind. Hate is deaf. You'd think Stupid would be mute but I keep on talking.

   If they took all porn from the internet,all that would remain is a Facebook group called " Bring the Porn Back!"

   Cheryl Cole changed her relationship status to "single". 45 million people liked this.

   Whenever I sing,i put the cat in the front yard. That way,the neighbours can see it and know it's not being strangled.