doc Noland Funny Status Messages

   I'm at the stage in my life where I answer the door for deliveries in boxers b/c nothing matters anymore.

   So much for the saying, 3rd times a charm, I just checked my Mega Millions ticket for the 3rd time, and still nothing.

   My hands are so soft and warm that when I accidentally touch myself, I end up naked and spread-eagle on the kitchen bar. Room mate hates it.

   "Pearl Jam" is my finishing move

   You know 'yer a DRUNK when: You have to go to court to find out what happened !

   If you have eatin monkey brains right out of the skull, please brag about it

   My mixer killed my kettle. The pot is furious. The kettle might have been wearing a hooodie....I think it had some skittles.

   Snooki is going to give birth to a giant Nutter Butter.

   I read "Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows" in 4 hours yesterday. I know it's only 6 words, but I was still impressed with myself.

   Now that I'm older my, "Girl I can go all night" is me pleading my case for the side of the bed closest to the bathroom

   I'm the kind of guy who tells an angry albino to lighten up

   Every time I see the car commercial with the family singing Crazy Train, I wonder if Ozzy Osbourne thinks to himself, "Azsedgbhnmiolp!"

   Ever since I started working out every day, I can really see a difference in how accomplished I am as a liar.

   I bet my road rage would be taken more seriously if I spoke German..

   Right now I wondering if I would have never been conceived, if it weren't for the Doobie Brothers.

   Had I known how difficult it was to get old people's smell out of a mattress, I never would've gone cougar hunting at the retirement home.

   When I dance it looks like a baby covered in baby oil is constantly slipping out of my hands and I'm catching it.

   It's been 18 years since Kurt Cobain died in case you were waiting for his corpse to become legal.

   When I am in an extra big hurry I take a "Doc Bath" and rub each nipple with a wet Certs.

   So my Twitter machine started making this odd noise and vibrating and the words "Incoming Call" were on my screen. What the hell is THAT?!?!