SuthernFukr Funny Status Messages

   To all who lose constantly, never knowing victory, never experiencing a win. You are the champion of that.

   The radio... making car rides less awkward since 1927.

   Just because your neighbors aren't on vacation doesn't mean you still can't go through their mail.

   This laundry detergent says I get 20oz free, but the cashier says I still have to buy the whole bottle. :(

   A woman gave birth shortly after finishing the Chicago Marathon on Sunday. And that's why I don't jog.

   All is not lost. It's just a little bit hard to keep track of.

   It's hard to tell if someone's short email means they're mad or just busy. I always reply, "Thanks, C***face!" just in case.

   Anyone mind if I invented a new letter to go between M and N?

   I always feel tricked into exercise when I peel an orange.

   There's no difference between instant maple & brown sugar oatmeal & an oatmeal & raisin cookie so screw the system, I'm eating the cookie.

   All I want is to live in a world where kids don't lose their s*** when they see Elmo.

   A lot of people on the packages of Halloween costumes went on to great things such as german porn and medical catalogs.

   Next week I'm going to leave my son home and bring a canned ham to his T-ball practice and see if the coaches notice.

   Ok, if I agree with you and say I'm codependent will you promise to never ever leave?

   Guy at coffee shop just requested something "dunkable." This is making me uncomfortable.

   GEORGE SOROS HAS JETPACKS AND HE'S NOT SHARING!!!!

   My dog could have just asked for smoke instead of eating the whole pack.

   I sleep peacefully knowing negative energy can always be transformed into a one night stand.

   We should feed tuna fish mayonnaise, thereby saving a step in the sandwich making process.

   People I am hating today: Anyone who refers to guacamole as "guac."