doc noland Funny Status Messages

   Ghetto people are always naming their kids after stuff they cant afford: Mercedes, Bentley, Pearl, Life Insurance.

   East Tennesseans collectively saying, "Umm so what are we supposed to do with all of these Colts jerseys and t-shirts?"

   I don't mean to brag but when I'm in the mood, I'm bigger than even a D battery!

   Can you imagine what the Clapper would have acted like in the Three Stooges House... a strobe light?

   I bet when Snooki's water breaks, it's gonna smell like someone smashed a bottle of Axe Body Spray on the ground.

   Ke$ha looks like she leaves tampons in for dangerous stretches of time.

   "And when there was only one set of footprints, that was when I was off hiring a more talented quarterback to replace you" - God to Tebow

   #Tebow will be the first person in history to leave the mile-high club a virgin.

   Hard to believe I once had a phone ATTACHED TO A WALL. When it rang I'd pick it up WITHOUT KNOWING WHO WAS CALLING. Amazing I'm still alive.

   sure buy a lot of alcohol. Hope I'm not a shopaholic.

   Jehovah's Witnesses? Please, come on in. Yes, I would LOVE to listen, but first let's talk about MY religion. Let me get the blowtorch.

   Ever since that tiger mauled Siegfried's boyfriend, I think the line has been blurred between a fruit and a vegetable. Just sayin'.

   Why do I always want “that kind” of s*x when I know that it hurts you and that you hate it? Seems like you just answered your own question.

   This may be a little late, Michael, but I think the world can now agree that Billie Jean was not your lover and the kid was not your son.

   It doesnt matter if I die a heros or natural death, my friends and relatives at my funeral will ask "so how much bloody alcohol was it?"

   I'm pretty sure my reasoning skills are defective

   If my life ever flashes before my eyes, it will just be me sitting around crying.

   The last time I tried to just "be myself" I almost got submitted to a Mental Institute.

   This weekend I got so drunk, my shadow is now in a baby stroller drooling

   I guess "kick the bucket" will be the last think on my bucket list.