SuthernFukr Funny Status Messages

   I spanked myself twice before I left the house today so if you see me being naughty, chill out; I've dealt with it.

   After exposure to the cast of 'Jersey Shore' an Italian Jury has decided that Amanda Knox isn't so bad after all.

   If I had a nickel for every GEICO commercial I've ever seen, I could buy us all car insurance.

   The road less traveled does not have 3G. I'm turning around.

   The only time it's cool to yell “I have diarrhea!” is when you're playing Scrabble.

   It's like, okay, we get it, I'm a terrible driver and I almost murdered you with my car. Can I go get ice cream now?

   Whenever I'm driving and I see a baby stroller in someones trash I always think. Oh boy... someone f***ed up.

   At this point I view every photo of myself as a “before” photo.

   Just curious, how many weeks can you wear the same pair of jeans before it's gross?

   What a tattoo on your face really means: "I've gone as far in society as I'd like to."

   I already know this is going to be a disaster. I pregret this.

   So, we are allowed to pee in our own showers, just not other people's showers. Check. My neighbor is never looking at me the same, is he?

   I just drank 3 cups of coffee with 2 Ambien. Now I am tired of being awake.

   Experts say caffeine is bad for you, fat is bad you, sugar is bad for you… But don't worry, because that's bad for you too.

   Zebras are just living, breathing barcodes.

   Doctors write the prescriptions illegibly so you can't see that it says: “This one had insurance. Don't kill him.”

   That was insensitive. I asked you to stop being stupid without considering how incredibly difficult that must be for you.

   Whenever a women's magazine has a "Sex Tips to Drive Him Wild!" article, it always just says "Put your finger up his butt."

   Sarah Palin: "A presidenty run would halter my abilitation to share common-sense smartitudes in a time of economical fizzle splatz."

   I'm going to be staining the fence in our backyard today because that's what you do on vacation when you're awesome.