Aaron Funny Status Messages

   Anyone who says laughter is the best medicine has never had morphine.

   So I'm giving up drinking. Hard liquor. On Wednesdays. In June. Next year. (Maybe.)

   They say do what you love & the money will follow. I love doing nothing. We'll see.

   First 5 people to like this shall receive a hand crafted statue of me wrestling an invisible bear.

   And don't even get me started on statements with no context.

   She says I keep pushing her buttons. If that were true, I would have found 'mute' by now.

   I'm thinking of leaving my body to science. Even scientists need a good laugh now and then.

   you'll always be my hero. even though you've lost your mind

   You had me at an extra hour of sleep.

   I can finally use that one watch I never figured out how to adjust

   I had a McRib today. My toilet just waved a white flag.

   Just gonna stand there and watch me roar, but that's alright because I am a dinosaur.

   Grandma complained no one ever calls so I put a "How's My Driving?" bumper sticker on her car. The phone pretty much rings off the hook now.

   At the Photography Studio: "First, we'll shoot you, then we'll blow you up, then you can go home and hang yourself."

   It's not "When Wild Animals Attack!" as much as it is "When Stupid People Get Bit."

   Today's Email: "I moved Bush's new memoir to the crime section at my bookstore".

   I leave notes on people's windshields telling them I smashed their car and did an amazing job fixing it.

   I stopped listening somewhere around the third grade.

   Be patient. The longer you wait for me, the sooner I will arrive.

   Keeping secrets can kill you. And let's just keep that between us.