Funny Status Messages

   My dad fought in the war and survived mustard gas and pepper spray. He is now classed as a seasoned veteran.

   Dear Pringles, Now that I am no longer a child, I cannot fit my hand inside your tube of deliciousness. Work on that.

   that with all the advances in technology and science, you'd think Pez would have made an easier to fill dispenser already

   had gay robbers last night. They broke in and rearranged the furniture

   In any given Society or Civilization The Desire to Know is always Inversely Proportional to the Desire to Tell...

   Dream as if you'll live forever, live as if you'll die today

   going to live forever, or die trying!

   "Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else!"

   "What is a "free gift"? Aren't all gifts free?"

   Dear Monopoly, Thanks for the free parking and community chest.

   this dog, is dog, a dog, good dog, way dog, to dog, keep dog, an dog, idiot dog, busy dog, for dog, 20 dog, seconds dog! ... Now read without the word dog

   My friend is in a wheelchair, so I gave him a chainsaw, wrapped him in tinfoil and sent him on Robot Wars. But seriously - he's dead now.

   Girls:If you get a message from your boyfriend saying that he wants to "kick your puppy", don't call the RSPCA...He's just not very good at predictive text.

   just had a bad dream. I was playing superman 64. I woke up crying.

   Crime does not pay, does that mean my job is crime?

   will follow you into the dark

   - If you wanted a pig, why didn't you just take my wife!

   Thinks that selling sea shells on the sea shore is a bit of a floored business venture

   was caught red-handed when he literally stole her <3

   If you ever wanna know the truth about something ask a kid or a drunk...or me after about 10 tonite.