Kisstopher Funny Status Messages

   Almost all serial killers are men. That's because women like to kill one man slowly over many, many years.

   What no one tells you about rock bottom is that it has a fantastic open bar.

   Its amazing how many bad decisions can be justified or explained away by just saying, "I was drunk" or "I was in love"

   It's 2012. How come some restaurants haven't figured out how to split checks? Nobody wants to take a math test after they eat.

   The guy that thought of wrapping other food items in bacon deserves an award.

   Just been told I'm not sexist. Being sexist is wrong and being wrong is for women.

   All of a sudden I love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.

   The feeling you get when youre driving & you see a cop. And youre not drunk or high, but you think 'god I hope he doesnt notice I'm driving'

   The dilemma with resisting temptation is that it may never be offered again.

   People who don't like bacon can never be trusted.

   A tip for you joggers out there: To run faster, make sure there is an attractive person in front of you at all times OR a creepy guy behind you.

   Before I post a joke on twitter I tell it to my windmill... He is a HUGE fan.

   "Hello, would you like to take part in a one-question survey?" "Sure." "Great! Thanks for participating."

   Sometimes when I close my eyes I can't see.

   Ladies: A good man can make you feel sexy, strong and able to take on the world...oh sorry thats wine...wine does that.

   Sometimes, by holding on too tight, you end up losing what you were trying so hard to save. Soap, for example.

   I've been told I speak fluent sexual innuendo.

   To be loved is to be fortunate, but to be hated is to achieve distinction. Thanks haters.

   The story of “how I met your father” is shorter than “how I met your mother.

   Alcohol goes in, honesty and truth comes out.