Marshall the Great Funny Status Messages

   It's stupid when someone texts you first and they never reply after you text them back.

   Don't you hate when people call your name 20 times..... Then end up saying "NEVERMIND"? Nah, you gonna tell me SOMEthing.

   "You break it, you buy it"... Uh, hell no. I break it, I leave it, and awkwardly walk out...

   Girls who are shaped like hot pockets have no business taking full body pictures.

   Why WOULDN'T you wear a condom when they got that sh!t called "Kids" goin around?

   F*ck an alarm system. I've seen "Home Alone," I know what to do.

   I hate when fat women can't cook... Ummm okay, woman you just fat for no reason?

   Handicap people should get a $200 ticket for parking in the regular spots.

   *Fat chick posts a picture on Facebook* "Fresh out the shower. (; " Me: "You spelled ocean wrong."

   "H3y what r yhu dooinq?" ... About to throw a dictionary at your face.

   (Oh) = Stop talking to me. (K) = I'm done talking. (Whatever) = f*ck you. (Fine) = f*ck it. (I guess) = I don't give a f*ck.

   I'm not sure about you guys, but I'm pretty sure if she can sell seashells by the sea shore, she also has pretty big boobs.

   When I say "It's a long story," it doesn't mean it's actually a long story. It means I just don't want to tell you.

   Sociologists say that social media is creating the laziest generation ever. I expressed my opinion in great detail by hitting the "Like" button.

   People like you are the reason people like me take pills... and I'm OK with that. ;)

   I told my ex to make sure she gives 100% today... she's on her way to donate blood.

   I picked up a hitchhiker today... Dragged him for 2 miles before the f*cker finally fell off my car.

   People love to push the envelope. What they dont' know is that papercuts really hurt when I shove that envelope right back up their ass.

   Wow... I just met someone that actually IS as stupid as they look.

   Swimming can be confusing… some people do it for fun.. I do it not to die.