Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   A girl phoned me and said, “Come on over. There's nobody home.” I went over. Nobody was home!

   If I play a blank tape with the volume turned up, will the mime next door go nuts?

   If a woman tells you she's twenty and looks sixteen, she's twelve. If she tells you she's twenty-six and looks twenty-six, she's damn near forty.

   n't it ironic that in our culture everyone's biggest complaint is about not having enough time; yet nothing terrifies people more than the thought of eternity.

   A good rule of thumb is, if you've made it to thirty-five and your job still requires you to wear a name tag, you've made a serious vocational error.

   I went to the bookstore and asked the saleswoman where the Self Help section was. She said if she told me it would defeat the purpose.

   “Now, I don't want to get off on a rant here, but guilt is simply God's way of letting you know that you're having too good a time.”

   The sign said “This door to remain closed at all times” Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that defeat the purpose of a door?

   If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?

   A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a Train stops. On my desk, I have a work station.

   There are two theories to arguing with a woman. Neither theory works.

   If you can't be kind, at least have the decency to be vague

   Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.....

   I don't have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem.

   Parachute for sale. Never opened. Used once. Slight stain...

   Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

   You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests that you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.

   If ten percent is good enough for God; it should be good enough forObama...

   Sticks and stones may break my bones, but whips and chains excite me.

   I live in my own little world. But it's OK. They know me here.