StonerDudee Funny Status Messages

   It takes many nails to build a crib, but just one screw to fill it.

   Some people you know were dropped on their heads as babies. Some were clearly thrown in the air, hit the ceiling fan, bounced off the wall & fell out the window.

   If you teach sex ed, it's good to tell kids the feelings they're having are normal, but funnier to single one out and mouth "Except yours."

   Thanks iPhone autocorrect, I'm sure my dad wanted to know that I miss going on our weekend fisting trips. Fml

   Research shows that, when someone shouts "Oh no he didn't!", he in fact did.

   Ten years from now, one of the hardest challenges our kids will face will be finding a username that's still available.

   I just high-fived a Jedi. Ok, it was an Ewok. Or a midget. I just slapped a kid in the head. Whatever. I wish I knew a Jedi.

   Just saw a Christmas tree drive by with a Smart Car strapped to the bottom of it.

   I'm so disappointed that a group of squid isn't called a squad.

   I don't smoke weed to escape reality. I smoke weed to enjoy reality even more.

   Was visited by 3 spirits last night. Vodka, rum and gin.

   I'm gonna buy a pizza 5 minutes before the new year and when they arrive I'll say "I ordered this damn thing a year ago!"

   If my wife thinks making me sleep on the couch is a punishment, she's going to feel so dumb when she sees this badass fort I made.

   What did the elephant say to the naked man? I don't know how you manage to breathe through that thing.

   Rationally, I now understand that my parents were always Santa, but I still don't get how they made it to all those houses in one night.

   Men at 25 play football. Men at 40 play tennis. Men at 60 play golf. Have you noticed that as you get older your balls get smaller?

   Always be yourself, unless you can be Batman, always be Batman.

   I stopped believing for just a few minutes. Now Journey is all pissed at me.

   Kanye West must feel very conflicted right now. He's excited Kim is pregnant, but deep down he knows Beyonce had the best baby of all time.

   Meant to tell my kids "Good night, I love you", but it came out as "Thank god you go back to school on Wednesday because this is bulls**t."