Funny Status Messages

   hungry but not for food!!

   I wish Google Maps had an "Avoid Ghetto" routing option.

   Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize your wrong.

   I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger.

   How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?

   The only time I look forward to a red light is when I'm trying to finish a text.

   What would happen if I hired two private investigators to follow each other?

   Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.

   Bad decisions make good stories

   I think the freezer deserves a light as well.

   It should probably be called Unplanned Parenthood.

   Why is a school zone 20 mph? That seems like the optimal cruising speed for pedophiles...

   "Do Do not machine wash or tumble dry" means I will never wash this ever.

   hopes he never becomes wise enough to have his wisdom teeth removed

   suggests to those interviewing for a job, not to ask the secretary if she'll sit on your lap during the interview.

   takes "American Midol" to alleviate the cramping and bloating caused from all the hype surrounding that vapid show.

   enjoys breaking chain e-mails. His luck has remained good and none of his parts have fallen off.

   Bought myself a new roll-on deodorant today. Instructions said 'Take off top and push up bottom'. Five hours I spent in casualty

   I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.

   A recent study has shown that playing beer pong contributes to thespread of mono and the flu. Yeah, if you suck at it.