SuthernFukr Funny Status Messages

   I don't understand why people in movies open doors so slowly to be stealthy. Doors only creak when you do that. I mean, try opening your door really quickly. Not a sound.

   Saying “oh!” like you get it. But you still have no idea.

   Having trouble with your iPhone saying “No Service”? Just put your shirt and shoes back on.

   The word "lulz" hurts my eyes. Please make it stop.

   There would be a lot less entering of "Do not enter" areas if they didn't have a "Do not enter" sign.

   Everybody says waking up at 5 in the morning to exercise makes you feel great but I think lying in bed for another 2 hours feels better

   You know what my problem is? People telling me what my problem is.

   Yawning is your body's way of saying 20% of battery remaining.

   I can honestly say LinkedIn is the sh!ttiest dating site I have ever signed up for. All anyone ever wants to talk about is work.

   When a girl says, "Whatever you want, I don't care," she means, "Pick something that I want or I will cut you."

   Freud said "Love & work are the cornerstones of our humaness." I say it's love and that show "Pawn Stars".

   I feel like if I'm ever arrested by a sexy female cop I owe it to both of us to resist a little bit.

   No matter what it is I'm doing, there's always about an 85% chance I'm supposed to be doing something else.

   Some people just need a high five. In the face. With a chair.

   What are you doing here? Was there a jailbreak at the zoo?

   I hate people who speak for other people, and so do you.

   "Surprise, surprise, surprise!" - Gomer Pyle, World's Worst Ninja

   The NFL post game show is the male version of The View.

   You know how we smack your household appliances when they're malfunctioning and it makes them work? I wish you could do that with people.

   I don't care how healthy you say it is, a shot of wheatgrass is what giving Swamp Thing a bl*wjob would taste like.