StonerDudee Funny Status Messages

   These spaghetti-o's taste like I don't get paid until tomorrow.

   The recent break up of Justin Bieber and Selena Gomez has left a void in my list of things I don't give a toot about.

   It's so cold out the hookers downtown are charging 20 bucks to blow on your hands.

   Someone asked me how much love was worth and I couldn't answer because alimony is calculated differently in each state.

   Teach a man to fish and he'll be like "Cool, thanks!" Teach a woman to fish and she'll be like "You're doing it wrong."

   People who say "money can't buy happiness" have apparently never used money....to buy a bag of weed : )

   My girlfriend asked me "Team Edward? Or Team Jacob?" I yelled "Team Deathmatch!" And knifed her...

   Some days I think Forrest had the right idea when he dropped everything and just kept running.

   People who get offended on the internet are the same people that take mini golf seriously.

   The only reason I know how many beers I drank last night, is because it was all of them.

   Every scary movie, for the rest of our lives, needs a scene explaining why no one has their cell phone.

   Failed another job interview today. Apparently taking part in an orgy isn't proof that you can effectively work as part of a team.

   I saw some girl texting and driving the other day and it really pissed me off. So I rolled down my window and threw my beer at her.

   I always hold the door open for ladies, but they never want to get in the van...

   If a zombie apocalypse were to happen in Vegas... would it stay in Vegas?

   I used to think air was free. Then I bought a bag of potato chips...

   I say "do I smell popcorn" right after I fart, so everyone takes in a deep breath.

   A Shout Out to all the beautiful women who don't need to dress half naked to get a man's attention. Stay classy! The rest of you, come with me.

   I'm not saying she's a slut, but she's been pounded more than the I in Pixar.

   Only in math problems can you buy 60 cantaloupes and nobody asks what the hell is wrong with you.