SEAN Funny Status Messages

   Sometimes, I drive by the schoolyard and scream "STOP WASTING YOUR TIME!" to white kids playing basketball.

   Saw an unbelievable photo essay of teens being starved and put to work outdoors, but it turned out to be an Urban Outfitters catalog.

   Every person has a story to tell and that's why I stay home.

   Offering a hobo $5 from across the street is my version of Frogger.

   I called Poison control, but they said they couldn't make Every Rose Has Its Thorn stop playing on the radio. Worthless.

   If I've given you a card at your birthday party, know I bought it a half-hour ago and signed it on the dashboard of my car 5 minutes ago.

   I thought my sister was lying when she told me Davey Jones from the Monkees had died....................then I saw her face.

   A source says Snooki is pregnant and the Republican candidates suddenly switch their stance on abortion.

   When the wife and kids go on vacation, I always keep the neighbors on edge by placing rectangular mounds of dirt throughout the yard.

   Fun Fact: If you wear a shirt and tie into WalMart, people will ask for your autograph because they think you're the President.

   Calling "shotgun" is great way to lighten the mood when getting in the squad car after the cops arrest you.

   Most of us will spend part of our life having Larry King for a stepfather.

   Everyday, I brush my teeth & say "That's it. You can't squeeze anymore toothpaste out of this tube." Then everyday, I do.

   There was a spider in my bathtub so my wife got a tissue and very carefully burned the house down.

   7 years ago to this day, I swallowed my gum and broke a mirror, so as you might imagine, this is a pretty big day for me.

   A guy just yelled at me for texting and driving. I told him to get off my hood and mind his own business.

   Rush Limbaugh is like Frosty The Snowman if someone put the magical hat on a pile of poop.

   I think I've got Bieber Fever. Wait, wait, no, it's Ebola. What a relief!

   Newt Gingrich wins Georgia. To be fair, it was a pie-eating contest.

   Helping my oldest with History homework is a blast.....Underground railroad??? honey we call that a "Subway"