Marshall the Great Funny Status Messages

   Ladies: guys don't care if the carpet matches the drapes as long as there is no rug on the back porch.

   Allow me to explain marriage to you non-married people: You know how some people have friends with benefits? It's the complete opposite of that.

   Happy Veterans Day! Sending out my gratitude to all those, past and present, who have the courage and drive to do something about the world's problems…. So basically, all those completely unlike me.

   I like my women like I like my turtles. Helpless when they're on their back.

   If you speak in third person… it is safe to assume you are talking to yourself as no one wants to hang out with a douche bag.

   We live in a world where dates like 11/11/11 make people happy :|

   Haven't gotten ONE response to my hospital job applications!! Can someone make sure my email address works: merciful_angel_of_death82@yahoodotcom

   By the time I get to the bottom of the bottle, I don't really need an answer.

   Of course I would die for you honey. Example? Uhhhh.... I would rather jump into an alligator pit and eaten alive, than listen to you B*TCH for another second. How did I do?

   I do because I can. I will because I am able. I give because I've been given. Just a few reasons I love to 69. ;)

   To drink or not to drink would be a stupid f*cking question! Cheers motherf*ckers!

   Guys: Every two weeks, tell your lady that her new hairstyle looks great!!!! You might not notice it...... but trust me, they changed it. You can thank me later.

   Everybody deserves second chances, but not for the same mistakes.

   I'm pretty sure all of the 7 dwarfs were named after a stage of Snow White's heroin addiction.

   As soon as I figure out who drank my 2 cases of beer, I'm gonna try to figure out why I'm so drunk.

   Take this status and shove it straight up your ass. Your head needs some company.

   Every time a Christmas tree is lit before Thanksgiving, an elf drowns a baby reindeer.

   I accidentally took my girlfriends birth control pills..... As soon as I'm done crying I'm gonna B*TCH you out....... Oh....... I love you! ♥

   Just poured a packet of Jello powder in the fishbowl while my fish was asleep. PUNK'D!

   Clitoris is such a beautiful elegant word. I'm just a guy with a ballsack.