Marshall the Great Funny Status Messages

   My best pick up line: Excuse me, but I think you dropped this two hundred dollars for sex.

   Her: I forgot to take my medicine. Me: For your face? Her: No, for my depression. Me: So you're not taking anything for your face?

   I don't care to be the rich guy who you want to marry and never have sex with…. I prefer to be the pool boy who you want to have dirty sex with but never marry.

   I wanted to save my children some money down the road so I already purchased my headstone for the cemetery. It reads "I'm not dead yet."

   The guy in line next to me at Walmart is buying a 12 pack and a Snuggie. Wonder how his social life is going.

   Don't worry that you're 40.. you're just 1 in “cougar-years.”

   Work is givin' us a piss test to celebrate our new contract. I just put glitter in mine... good luck tryin' to figure that one out muthafuckas!

   You'd be surprised how people get the words "f*ck off" confused with "please continue."

   I'm placing myself in "time-out" until I'm able to play nice with others! This may take a few hours as there are stupid people everywhere!

   There is so little food in my house right now I think I saw some ants putting together a grocery list.

   I just f*cked a girl that stutters. It was great. I finished before she could say "NO!"

   My favorite coffee mug has a chip in it. My favorite shirt has a stain on it. My favorite jeans have a rip in them. My favorite CD has a skip in it. My favorite friend is you. I like things that are flawed, like me.

   I thought a friend said, "you should get a life." I replied "F**k you!" He explained that he actually said, "you should get a WIFE." My reply stayed the same.

   My girlfriend and I weighed ourselves, then we had sex, and then we weighed ourselves again. Just as I thought... I'm doing all the f*cking work.

   What the hell is everyone's deal with lemons? - Life handing out stuff

   Just invented a drink called the LESBIAN. All you do is mix two liquors

   I never feel my day is complete, until one of my fb friends is having a worse day than I. Even if I have to be the cause of it.

   Wow the liquor store clerk just said he's worried about me. I think it's time for a change. To a less judgmental liquor store.

   If a stranger in a bar has never bought you a drink you are probably ugly.

   When you say "everything happens for a reason" and I kick you in your face... The reason is because you said that.